Family is integral to my life
The resiliency of a bond borne of shared blood has been made clear to me this year. I’ve spent the better part of my teenage years in contempt of the concept of family which I considered an arbitrary obligation thrust upon us, and was subsequently superficial. The warm acceptance of husbands and wives into our extended family has shown me otherwise. It isn’t so much the fact of biological relation that holds this dynamic intact; instead, it’s a culture of kinship and mutual affection for cousins and aunts and grandparents raised together that forms the scaffolding for this fulfilling set of relationships.
Being around my cousin, whom I consider my own sister, her husband, and their two-year-old daughter has kindled a newfound affection in me. The pains they took to drive me to Niagara Falls and feed me Bengali-style Chinese food without hesitation is a testament to the sincerity of our relationship. I actually felt rather selfish in being a passive consumer of their hospitality. It is my proud responsibility to be of service to the people who hold me so unconditionally dear in spite of my faults.
Food isn’t pleasurable anymore
My sister so generously presented me with the best Bengali-inspired cuisine that can be crafted in a kitchen in NY. This included the likes of chicken korma, Thai soup, fried rice, beef with chili, and khichuri. At first it was amusing but over the course of the week I didn’t feel good about myself. I’ve been shredding all summer and to think that this would delay my progress significantly was quite upsetting. I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being full and bulky all day long either.
There’s something satisfying about holding back from eating more and thus feeding one’s self-discipline. It’s not the raw sensations evoked by food that entices me; it’s where the dish is sourced from, the chef, the nutritional value, and the aura of the meal. When I’m being fed for the sake of maximizing the sensory output of the meal as well as the feeling of satiety, it’s not gratifying anymore.
I ate everything with humble respect to the efforts of my patrons, but I can’t say that I enjoyed eating there.
Judge people by their hearts
I find it quite easy to maintain a mental scorecard for people that I deduct and add from according to their actions. Maybe we all do that unconsciously. It’s easy to let the occasional failings of individuals, or even their superficial shows of selflessness, anchor our perceptions of them towards the extremes of virtue and incompetency. However, it is the intention guiding their actions that we should direct our attentions to.
In The Psychology of Money, Morgan Housel elucidates on the notion that everyone acts with reason, however flawed or justified they may be. In a world of anti-vaxxers and mobs of political radicals, it is easy to dismiss them as aberrations among otherwise normal people, but they too are acting with logic. It is surprisingly easy for the average person to subscribe to an ideology if the right knobs and levers of their thought process are engaged. Appealing to mislead individuals doesn’t call for aggravation; instead we must reach out with empathy.
Often I assume the same attitude towards my loved ones, calling them out for their misgivings while dismissing the generosity and kindness with which they hold onto me unconditionally. This rule from Admiral McRaven’s Make Your Bed keeps me grounded when I fall into the same patterns.
Ask questions and listen
In every conversation, there’s an underlying urge to put forth a remark every so often as proof of one’s participation in it. Sometimes, simply presenting a question and letting the conversation run its course can reveal hidden gems.
By asking my cousins about uncomfortable topics and aspects of our family that I previously found awkward to bring up, I learned about threads running through my childhood that I was unaware of. I learned to be pointed and even aggressive with these questions to uncover what no one else found it pertinent to tell me. While that information may not have added value to my life, it made for some entertaining narratives during late nights and long drives.
I’ve been trying to cultivate this art of asking questions, having been charmed by the way Lex Fridman and Tim Ferriss conduct their shows. It does require a level of boldness and discipline to get to the core of an issue and potentially disregard other avenues of inquiry.
Living in a city might not be a bad idea after all
Queens is absolutely beautiful. Manhattan too. I have been vocal about preferring a countryside life, away from the buzz of urban centers to simply appreciate the fruits of nature. Outside of Manhattan, NY has an abundance of greenery that hug its residential landscape. There’s a beautiful interplay of nature and the quiet livelihood of knowledge workers in distinct cottage-style homes. Even the city with its lack of parking and pestilent traffic has its appeal - the bay overlooking these towering skyscrapers, below which were colonies of people scurrying to their next destinations.
Early in my career, particularly in my twenties, it would be advantageous to live in downtown SF or NYC in order to level up my social life. Perhaps later can I consider a move away to a quieter subsistence, having settled into an adequate income and a stable family dynamic.