I’ve been reading psychologist and economist Daniel Kahneman’s highly influential book Thinking, Fast and Slow, a foundational work in behavioral psychology, decision-making, and the biases inherent to the mind. The book centers around the concept of System 1, the immediate and automatic part of our thought process responsible for intuitions and snap-judgements. While reading, I couldn’t help but find implications of Kahneman’s findings to the social domain. Whether it’s currying favor with a boss or impressing a love interest, there are gems in this book that can be valuable in scoring key social points. I’ve distilled the key insights in this post.
Have an impeccable first impression
The mind is exceptionally quick at fashioning judgements through associations made in memory, much of which is done without conscious effort. This tendency that Kahneman cohesively constructs as a consequence of System 1 has deep evolutionary roots, signalling to a person whether an encounter is dangerous or safe. Deliberate thinking is metabolically expensive so the mind avoids it whenever possible, making it crucial to be on the positive receiving-end of someone’s effortless thinking. This might mean throwing together a decent outfit, making eye-contact, or assuming a confident posture.
Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People has a particularly helpful list of tactics to leave a positive impression on people. Subtle actions such as smiling or asking for their name can be conducive to positive emotions that will carry on throughout the encounter and win you their favor.
Spend copious time with the other person
The next two points stem from the concept of cognitive ease - a measure of mental strain and the demands of a situation. A state of cognitive strain can be beneficial in evaluating sophisticated circumstances but it also leads to suspicion and discomfort. On the other hand, being in cognitive ease is associated with positive mood, familiarity, and greater trust in one’s intuitions. It’s where you want the other person to be.
Kahneman mentions a study where people were exposed to different sets of words with different frequencies. The words which they viewed more often were more likely to be deemed positive while the rest were deemed negative. This demonstrates the mere exposure effect - repetition is directly linked to liking.
Practically, this means being present with another person is key to inducing states of cognitive ease. It makes sense intuitively - spending more time with someone increases trust and makes the other comfortable and even vulnerable.
Exude an aura of positivity
A good mood is a signal that things are generally going well, the environment is safe, and it is all right to let one’s guard down.
Positive emotions go hand-in-hand with cognitive ease, making it crucial to be a source of pleasure for others. Humor and proper body language are indispensable in achieving this. It is just as imperative to avoid being a bearer of bad news or letting out pessimistic takes on the world.
It comes down to the tendency of System 1 to continuously draw associations in memory. Exuding positivity allows you to create a link of comfort in the other’s mind, leading them to be more eager in expecting you. People seek company that puts them at ease, so be that spark of joy for others.
Reversals
“The longer the days of rain, the more the sun is craved. But too many hot days and the sun overwhelms.” - Robert Greene, 48 Laws of Power
There is such a thing as spending too much time with someone. Being in others’ faces all the time makes you seem common and less interesting. One of the themes in Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power is being inaccessible to others as a strategy to appear more desirable. Being unreachable can be just as influential in increasing your appeal to someone.
These lessons are just that - lessons. No idea can be impactful without common sense paired with a sensible assessment of a situation.