Much has transpired in the two year hiatus I’ve taken from this blog. Here’s just to name a few:
I spent another winter in Bangladesh and returned less fulfilled than the previous time.
Tried BJJ for half a year and submitted a guy with an arm bar. He went on to offer me my first internship.
Had my heart broken then went on to date her.
Got a C in my tapeout class but landed an internship in the CPU team at Apple.
Not to mention all the drinking, long afternoons attempting to get into states of flow, endless bouts of crying, and relishing in the possibility of charting a beautiful life. I’ve had to face countless demons and come to terms with difficult truths about this reality. I’ve tireless explored the depths of my mind to find those subjective truths that determine the character of my experience. Buddhism, stoicism, Christianity, outlaw logic - I’ve sought them all as panaceas to the predicaments of being.
I’m not sure where this piece of writing is going. I hope to draw a map of where my mind has been lately in order to better understand this brief circumstance of aimlessness in the midst of good fortune that I’m presently in.
Much in my life is going well at the moment - working among the most capable minds on the planet, living at the heart of several technological revolutions, sharing my life with my best friends, having close family members to reach out to, and plenty of free time and financial stability to pursue my hobbies. Yet I find myself at the intersections of optimism and hopelessness, finitude and an abundance of free time, discipline and insecurity. These pairings may seem arbitrary but in my framework for life, they shouldn’t normally coexist.
Through books and talks of the wise I’ve intellectually recognized the importance of designing a life around a higher purpose. In fact, I’ve written about it extensively for years. Nevertheless, I have failed to internalize this vital piece of wisdom, thus being dejected in the face of momentary pains. Nietzsche aptly reminds us that “in the gap between who we wish one day to be and who we are at present, must come pain, anxiety, envy and humiliation.” Coping with the stresses and failures of the day-to-day requires a constant gaze upon a north star. For a long time, I’ve lost sight of my own north star. I’m uncertain what my best authentic self resembles, especially when surrounded by a cornucopia of personalities in a liberal arts college campus, most of whom appear to have attained some form of fulfillment.
James Clear also underscores this practice of striving towards a desired identity in Atomic Habits, every action completed being an additional vote cast towards embodying that ideal self. Many of the individuals I aim to embody are highlighted in the landing page of this site - Ryan Holiday, Tim Ferriss, Andrew Huberman, and Steve Jobs. They inspire me through the virtues they bring to every aspect of their lives, expressing deep love in their relationships while relentlessly pursuing creativity, professional ambitions, and physical performance.
I suppose I’ve been too preoccupied with my daily emotional needs to focus my third eye on striving to be my role models. I need to return to the individuals, ideas, and philosophies that put me on this path in the first place.
I’ve been on a journey of self-improvement since the middle of high school when I became sick of being an insecure, shy, and overweight kid. Now, I’m a slightly more fit insecure and shy young adult. I have nonetheless come a long way - I can hold conversations with people I haven’t met, speak up when I want to, make others laugh sometimes, and have great hair.
However, the larger goal was to become a more complete person for the people I most care about, so that I can show up with compassion, attention, and unselfish care. It’s not worthwhile pursuing the things I enjoy if they make me retreat into myself more and simply help me cope with negative emotions. No, they must make me a better human being, so that I can love more deeply and lift up those around me.
It’s all for giving back to the world. To my family. To my friends. To anyone I will come to love.